by Lynd Morris
Learn more about this topic and practice NVC empathy skills for challenging situations during the 4-class series, “Delivering and Receiving Difficult Messages" that Lynd is leading in Silver Spring, Maryland, this March.
Attending frequent NVC trainings or a regular practice group may not be possible for everyone. But, as when learning any language, it is practice that develops fluency in using Nonviolent Communication (NVC). One way to get that practice in the comfort of your own home and at a time that is convenient for you, is by exchanging NVC empathy with someone else on the telephone.
I have had a number of telephone empathy buddies. For more than 3 ½ years, I've shared weekly telephone empathy with a buddy in Massachusetts. For almost 1 ½ years, a buddy in Arizona and I have met by phone for empathy each week. Additionally, I share “as needed” telephone empathy with more than a dozen other people. Why? Because the learning and healing I receive from these conversations are so deep.
Following are some tips for setting up and using telephone empathy time based on how this has worked for me.
Setting Up the Meeting:
At the next NVC training or practice group meeting you attend, ask someone if he or she would be interested in trying out telephone empathy. It may take several invitations before you are able to set up a telephone meeting. It is worth it.
When someone does agree to try out telephone empathy with you, set a mutually convenient date and time. Try to allow an hour for your empathy exchange, but even half that time will be beneficial.
And remember, one telephone meeting does not imply an ongoing commitment. This first meeting is an experiment for both of you.
Beginning the Meeting:
Start your call by agreeing on an ending time. Be sure to allow 5 minutes at the end of your call for appreciations and goodbyes (and to set up another meeting, if this is alive for you). Next, do a quick “check in” (less than 5 minutes each) to talk about recent triggering events you both want to work on. This will give you an idea which of you may have the greatest ease in being the first listener/empathizer and who will be the speaker/expresser first.
Now you are ready to see how much time is left in which to exchange empathy before your closing farewells. Typically at this point, my partner and I will divide the remaining time in half, with both of us using a timer or clock to track the time so we can focus on what is being expressed.
Offering Empathy:
Your friendly presence is an enormous gift to someone who is trying to sort out his or her feelings and needs. Because your body language is invisible to him/her when you meet by telephone, your presence must be communicated through words or sounds (such as "ummmm" or "uh huh" or other soft affirmations to confirm that you are listening). Experiment with this and then check with your partner to see what is being experienced as supportive and what may be distracting.
Few of us enjoy interrupting someone who is expressing emotions. And, semi-silent empathy can be very powerful to receive, as long as the speaker knows that the listener is providing his or her complete attention. So, listeners/empathizers can start by just listening and making silent empathy guesses about the speaker’s feelings and needs. It is fine to keep your “NVC Feelings and Needs” list by your phone for backup if looking at it doesn't distract you from sensing what is alive in the other person.
When the speaker finally makes a connecting request for reflection (such as "I've just said a mouthful...would you be willing to let me know what you've heard?"), recap what you've heard and end with a connecting request for clarity (“Did I cover it?” or “Is there more?”).
Eventually the speaker may ask for your empathy guesses or may just stop talking. At this point, go ahead and offer your feelings and needs guesses out loud. Pause and let these guesses sink in.
Even Marshall Rosenberg says that his guesses are off at least 50 percent of the time. And regardless of how "on" or "off" your guesses might be, they are an instant contribution to the speaker because, when we check inside ourselves to see which feelings and needs guesses resonate, we begin to narrow our focus and gain greater self-connection and clarity.
Receiving Empathy:
When you are the speaker/expresser, providing the listener with some brief details about what has triggered your upset begins the process of putting you in touch with what you are feeling and needing in this moment.
When we vulnerably share our emotions, it can be hard to remember that few listeners are able to retain more than about 40 words at a time. You might want to keep a note by the phone to remind yourself to stop speaking before you've reached 40 words.
Once you’ve expressed what is alive for you, end with a connecting request for reflection (something like “Would you be willing to tell me what you’ve heard?”) or ask for your partner's empathy guesses. If these guesses don’t resonate, your response might sound something like, “No, I am feeling more of a sense of ____, maybe because I need ___.” Bingo! The empathizer has contributed to your greater clarity!
The Dance:
Continue this process of expressing, guessing, and making connecting requests until the time is up for the first speaker. Check to see if the speaker feels complete enough to switch roles. If not, it is a good idea to continue until he or she feels more present.
Occasionally, the healing that begins to take place in an empathic connection is so profound that, together, you may decide to devote the rest of your call to hearing what is alive from just one person, agreeing to set a later time for the other person to receive empathy.
Empathic Companions:
I hope you will consider trying telephone empathy. Over time, deep heart connections can be established between empathy buddies. Simultaneously, both partners can develop greater awareness of their own feelings and needs. What an ideal practice where helping each other is also helping ourselves.
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Lynd Morris is a graduate of the 2005 North America NVC Leadership Program led by CNVC-certified trainers Miki and Inbal Kashtan, and a third-year student of the NVC LIFE Program led by CNVC-certified trainer Robert Gonzales. She is registered with the Center for Nonviolent Communication as a candidate for certification. Lynd is also a member of the Still Water Mindfulness Practice Center in Silver Spring, Maryland. In 1997, she was ordained as a lay member of Thich Nhat Hanh’s Order of Interbeing.