New Year’s Resolution Solution
by Lynd Morris
Explore this topic at the “Clarity, Compassion, and Empowerment,” workshop for beginners and those already familiar with NVC on Saturday, January 5, 2008, in Silver Spring, Maryland.
Every action we take is our best attempt to meet our needs, according to Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D., creator of Nonviolent Communication (NVC). It’s pretty easy to see this concept in action when you are deciding to get more exercise, take up a new hobby, communicate more often with family and friends, or make a host of other New Year’s resolutions.
But what happens if you backslide, “fall off the wagon,” or awake with a start to discover that it has been days since you last acted on the commitments you’d recently made to yourself? What began as an inspiring and hopeful vision of a better life can mutate into something that feels more like an obligation or internal demand. And, how do most of us respond to demands? Either we submit (“I can’t manage this resolution, I’m too weak/lazy/hopeless/etc”) or we rebel (“That resolution was a terrible idea! Forget it! I’d rather be overweight/bored/lonely/etc”).
I’d like to offer a different approach to New Year’s resolutions.
Uncovering Needs
A useful first step in transforming any aspect of your life is to identify the needs you want to meet by the resolution you are considering. Suppose you’ve decided to get more exercise in 2008. What needs might be propelling this strategy?
“Huuummmm, am I wanting better health?
Is it that I’d like to experience greater ease in fitting into clothes that got tight over the holidays?
Am I longing to relax after work?
Would I like to spend more time doing things with my friends?"
As you explore the needs behind your choice to get more exercise, you may discover that your primary motivations are to improve your physical well-being, meet new people, or develop new skills. Each time you encounter a need that feels right, it is likely that you will not only experience an internal “Ah ha!” or a sense of satisfaction or well-being, but also may notice your body relaxing a bit or your breathing may become a little deeper.
You can use an NVC feelings and needs list to access additional needs that might be met by your plan to exercise more. Feelings and needs lists are included in most NVC books as well as on the website for the Center for Nonviolent Communication—www.cnvc.org)
Matching Strategies to Needs
Step two in this resolution solution process is to create a personalized “Needs and Strategies” list. Divide the page into two columns, label the left column “Needs,” and the right column “Strategies.”
Transfer to the left column the list of needs you’ve just identified, leaving lots of room between each one. These are the needs that are the most “alive”—interesting, exciting, filled with vitality—for you right now.
Now you can brainstorm the ways you might enjoy meeting each need you’ve uncovered. Taking a wild and unrestrained approach to this will allow your creativity greater freedom. Jot down your ideas in the right column, developing three or more strategies for each need.
For example, if one of the needs you’ve identified is for physical well-being, you might enjoy meeting this need by joining a dance class, walking or jogging, studying yoga, or dozens (possibly hundreds) of other strategies.
Implementation
Step three in this process is to review your “Needs and Strategies” list and select one strategy that stands out as compelling.
You are now ready to define one specific action you could take toward implementing that strategy. If you have no idea where to start, consider doing an Internet search for local opportunities or ask friends or colleagues for recommendations.
For example, if it appeals to you to meet your need for physical well-being by taking a dance class but you have no idea where these are offered, you could visit the website for your local Recreation Department or you could ask friends for their dance class ideas. Get names and phone numbers. You are now ready to pull out your calendar and your telephone to schedule the next step in this adventure of meeting your need for physical well-being.
An On-Going Process
The “Needs and Strategies” list you’ve just created is a work-in-progress. It is helpful to review it periodically, adding new strategies and checking off those you’ve tried. It can be profoundly satisfying to see proof of the efforts you have taken on your own behalf. And, if a strategy becomes less “alive” after you’ve tried it, check your list for another. You may end up trying several strategies only to discover new and unexpected options emerging as your creativity and vitality begin to thrive.
With this resolution solution it is impossible to fall off the wagon or backslide. Instead of being invested in strategies, you’ll be focusing on the beautiful needs that underlie them. Increasingly, your choices will be informed by expanding self-awareness, greater creativity, and a desire to make life wonderful—for yourself and others. And, not surprisingly, your actions will be more likely to produce results that will actually meet your needs.
Happy New Year!