by Lynd Morris
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) can sound so simple when reading about it or attending a training. However, telling someone else about NVC can be quite a challenge. It is natural to want to share your insights and questions as you expand your NVC skills. But, how do you talk about NVC with your friends, family—maybe even your co-workers—if references to emotions and needs have rarely been part of your previous conversations? What do you say?
Marshall Rosenberg, PhD., the creator of NVC, has described it as “a language of life.” And, as with any other language, there are basic skills that we must develop if we are to communicate the life in us. Have you tried unpacking the basic principles of NVC to newcomers or explaining observations, feelings, needs, and requests only to find your listeners more confused than engaged? How do you explain NVC without saying “I’m feeling ___ because I need___” or talking about the characteristics of the NVC giraffe and jackal metaphors?
Rather than describing the specific mechanics of NVC, I tell people new to this form of communication about how I experience life when I’ve listened to my own feelings and needs. Or, I talk to people unfamiliar with NVC about their own met and unmet needs (though I rarely use the words “feeling” or “need”). Making gentle guesses about another person’s needs—from strangers on airplanes to people in checkout lines or in taxis—has resulted in more expressions of appreciation and interest in NVC than any of my early attempts to offer unsolicited information about it.
Is there someone you’d like to talk to about NVC? Are you wishing this person would become interested enough in NVC to start using it with you? Before you begin your conversation, take a few quiet moments to get in touch with one met need you’d like to talk about. How does it feel in your body and in your emotions when that need is met? Once you have clarity about how the energy of this met need lives in you, begin your conversation about NVC from this place of fullness.
What might this sound like?
Let’s say you’ve just returned from an NVC workshop and you want to tell your family member/friend/co-worker about your experience. When you mention the workshop, the other person says, “So, what did you learn?”
You might be tempted at this point to whip out your notes and reel off a few highlights from the day. I recommend a different approach. Take a deep breath and check to see what feelings and needs are most alive in you in this moment. Are you hoping for companionship? Shared passion for peacemaking? Are you excited as you remember the learning and insight you’ve experienced? Try buying more time if you need it by saying, “Give me a moment so I can pick out what was most valuable to me.”
Now, select one of the needs you’ve just identified. Pause to really get a felt sense of how that need lives in your body and in your emotions. When you are ready, begin by telling the other person about this need, how it feels for it to be met, how much you value meeting this particular need.
After you’ve spoken 40 words or fewer, ask your listener what he or she has understood about what you’ve said and then ask how he feels about what he has heard. Once you are confident you’ve been heard (though not necessarily agreed with) about how important this need is to you, explain that NVC is all about getting in touch with what we most value. If your listener asks for more details about how to do this, the invitation has been made to go more deeply into NVC principles.
Something truly miraculous happens when we talk about the emotions, sensations, and needs that are authentically alive in us in the present moment. As we find ourselves experiencing the living energy of our need, this energy is simultaneously communicated to our listener. This is the essence of Nonviolent Communication.
Lynd will be offering an introductory NVC workshop, “Communicating with Honesty and Compassion,” on Monday July 14 from 6:30 to 9:00 p.m. in Silver Spring, Maryland. Space is limited to only 15 people, so, if any of your family members, friends, or co-workers is interested in attending, please suggest they contact Lynd (Lynd [at] CapitolNVC [dot] org) as soon as possible to register for this event.
Lynd Morris is a graduate of the 2005 North America NVC Leadership Program led by Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC)-certified trainers Miki and Inbal Kashtan. She is a third-year student of the NVC LIFE Program led by CNVC-certified trainer Robert Gonzales. During the last three years, she has offered numerous NVC classes and workshops in Maryland and Virginia, is a founding member of Capitol NVC, and is registered for CNVC certification. In 1997, she was ordained as a lay member of Thich Nhat Hanh’s Order of Interbeing.