Vacation Empathy
by Lynd Morris
How many times have you returned home from a vacation wishing you could have packed an empathy buddy along with your sunscreen and camera? From family reunions to solo adventures, summer vacations provide many instances when an infusion of empathy is exactly what is needed to turn a tense moment into an unexpectedly connecting experience. Try using this simple road map for finding your way back to authentic, centered presence, no matter where you are.
Whether you are chilling by the pool at home or vacationing in some distant location, the first step in getting the empathy you need in a pinch is arguably the most important one: STAR.
STAR is an acronym for Stop, Take-a-breath, And Relax. This simple act of stopping and then focusing on your breathing for a moment or two will automatically help you begin to relax, freeing your mind to think more clearly and creatively about the situation at hand—tracking down lost luggage, discussing politics with relatives whose positions differ from yours, or deciding how to pass the elk herd grazing on the trail ahead. STAR. Draw a star on your hand to remind you, tape one to your suitcase, or buy a bunch of star stickers and plaster them on everything your pack to remind you to stop, take-a-breath, and relax. STAR is a free and easy vacation enhancer.
So, now that you are relaxed and freshly oxygenated, what next step has the power to turn an uncomfortable vacation moment into a life-serving one? Simple is best when you are in unfamiliar territory and someone or something has just triggered confusion, fear, or anger in you or someone nearby and so I recommend another easy acronym: FANS.
FANS stands for Feelings And Needs Sensing. What are you feeling in this moment? What needs are calling for your attention right now? These questions are far more than an exercise in labeling the feelings and needs that are awake in you—they provide fundamental guidance for shifting from reactive to responsive by reminding you to pause long enough to sense how the need feels (physically and emotionally) when it is being met.
Most of us are accustomed to how it feels when needs are not met (tight belly? shallow breathing for clenched jaw? anger? fear? shock or confusion?), but have surprisingly little awareness of what it feels like when needs are met—how that experience of metness is lived in our bodies and emotions. And yet, even just a brief taste of the metness of a recently surfaced need can bring us back to ourselves—to inner stability and awareness—even after self-protective habits of fight/flight/freeze have been triggered.
Once you have reconnected with the needs surfacing inside, these simple acts of self-empathy—STAR and FANS—will naturally free you to begin wondering about and guessing (silently or aloud) the feelings and needs of those around you as well. Your gift to yourself becomes a gift to the world.
Taking empathy with you on vacation and using it effectively does involve some preparation. It is far more likely you’ll be able to pause and deeply sense the metness of your needs in a challenging situation if you’ve already practiced this in less difficult situations before leaving home.
Try it. Try STAR and FANS right now.
Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and invite your body to relax. Imagine breathing out any tension in your neck and shoulders and the muscles around your eyes and mouth.
Now ask yourself:
What do I feel in this moment?
Once you have some idea of the physical sensations (tension in some part of your body? relaxation? sleepiness? some other sensations?) and emotions (curiosity? excitement? something else?) that are present inside of you, ask yourself:
What need is calling for my attention right now?
Wait to see what surfaces. It may take a few moments before the sense of the need giving rise to your feelings forms into a word. If no word comes to mind, take a look at a needs list (you can find one of these at http://capitalnvc.net/main/needs-inventory) or keep exploring internally until you find a word that matches the nourishment or value that is calling for your attention right now.
Once you’ve identified the need, ask yourself:
How does it feel in my body and emotions when I experience this need as already met?
Dwell here for a little while as you do a physical and emotional inventory of how this need you’ve identified is experienced in you when it is being met. Remembering a time this need was met can help you rediscover the physical sensations and emotions that awaken inside as the energy of this met need fills you.
You can clarify and strengthen your experience of the vitality of your own needs by creating a FANS journal. One format is to list the needs you are exploring in a column on the left side of the page and the physical sensations and emotions you associate with each need in a column on the right side of the page. Remember, your focus in this practice is on the experience of the need when it is met, not on the deficiency, lack, or unmetness of each need.
The key to effortless use of STAR and FANS while traveling or at home is practice, practice, practice! When you wake up in the morning or go to sleep at night and in every opportunity in between, practice stopping, taking a deep breath, relaxing, asking yourself what feelings and needs are present in you, and then dwelling for a few moments in the qualities you associate with the metness of the needs that are alive in you.
Practicing STAR and FANS will not only expand your awareness of the fullness of your own needs, but this practice of self-connection will become increasingly automatic, ensuring that you will always have an empathy buddy with you, no matter where you find yourself, at home or on vacation.
If you would like to learn more empathy tools, join Lynd at one or both of the NVC mini-class series she is offering this summer: the first will meet July 14 and 21 and the second will meet August 18 and 25. Morning and evening sessions will be available with 6 or more registrants. Classes will address a range of NVC topics tailored to the challenges faced by class participants. Visit the “Basics and Beyond” class page for more information about these trainings. Or register directly with Lynd Morris.
Lynd Morris is a graduate of the 2005 North America NVC Leadership Program and has attended three years of the NVC LIFE Program. For more than four years she has led NVC classes and workshops in Maryland and Virginia and participated in or served as assistant trainer at numerous NVC trainings across the U.S. Lynd is a founding member of Capital NVC and is a certification candidate with the Center for Nonviolent Communication. In 1997, she was ordained as a lay member of Thich Nhat Hanh’s Order of Interbeing.